I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He? As in you personified your dick?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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