I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
