u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
