You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
