apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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