Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
