So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
