i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
