I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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