my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
