I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
