You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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