Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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