Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
