Don't make out with my wife yet
You can't special order awesome
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
