There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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