Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
