better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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