Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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