The maid of honor just puked.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
