I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
