O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
