I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
