I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
