She is in my trunk
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
