She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
