I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
