I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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