There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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