I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
