i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
