thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
