You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
