why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Girls should come with a carfax report
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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