I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
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