This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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