were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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