i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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