Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Actions speak louder than pants.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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