Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
