i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
