:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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