I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
