It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
