Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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