I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
