today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I touched a dick in church today
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
