It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
