I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
