It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
