Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
