if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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